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Mar. 11th, 2010

Sometimes I have no idea what is going on anymore. Sometimes I wonder why life is the way it is.. I feel so alone at times. I really thought that Pat was the one for me. We had a wonderful relationship. We never fought or anything it was different and I completly fell in love with him. I miss him still today and it is eating me away inside. I wish it didnt. I hate it. Everyone always tells me Im such a nice person and that Im beautiful and shit but when it comes to relationships and stuff like that I cant find a good man. I need someone that will be both good to me and Payton. I wonder about Payton at times. Sometimes I think the reason Im alone is because men dont want to be in relationship with women with babies. Who knows.

So Payton has been in daycare for a while now. She loves it. I cant beleive how much she is learning. She can count to 10 and say her ABC's and also sing Twinkle Twinkle little Star. Its crazy I cant beleive on the 22nd she is going to be 2 years old. It seems like just yesterday she was just my little baby and now I look at her and shes my little girl. Shes getting so big. I always wanted a baby but I never knew it could be like this. I love her to death and she is eveything good in me. So perfect and innocent... well deff not innocent lol shes a little devil. I really want to have another one lol.. But I will waite untill I am in a commited relationship. Anyways its time to head to bed which I dont think i will fall asleep just yet. Good night all

im so confused

So maybe I will write today. So much to say. I dont even know were to start. My bf up and left me last night out of nowere. He asked me around 7 if he could go visit his friend so I said yes. He comes home around 11:30 walks into my room and says I have to go. Go were i asked him and just just states that he has to leave. So he packs his stuff and he leaves. I dont know why it just kinda jumpted out at me. We didnt fight or argue and we got along great. It was too good to be true. I cant beleive that someone can just do that to someone.

I have some things to say to you tho PAT. I will ever say them to your face because its just not worth it. I HATE you for leaving me at christmas. I HATE you for leading me on. I HATE that you let me spend all that money on your childrens christmas presents. I HATE that you started  tattoo on me that you will never finish. Thanks alot for nothing. I didnt do anything to you. Do you feel like a big man now that you just walked away from a young mother and baby that grew to love you and call you DADDY. I hate that he bonded with you. I told you I didnt want her to call you DADDY. You wanted her to. You made her call you DADDY. You said you would marry me. you promised that if things got bad (which they didnt) that we would talk about it so that this wouldnt happen. You promised me forever and that was another promise that you broke. What has you running away so fast. Did i say something? Did I do something? Or did I l LOVE you so much that I scared you away. We were perfect together. I did for you things i never did for anyother. You made LOVE to me the night befor like there was nothing wrong. You lied to me when you told me you LOVEd me befor you went to your friends house. I HATE your for this but in my heart I LOVE you beause you were different. You didnt treat me like a peice of garbage. You are such a truly wonderful guy you were amazing. I LOVEd you like I couldnt love another. But you just walked away with out a reason. You couldnt even look me in the eyes and tell me you didnt want to be with me when i askd you if that was the case. I eventuly had to pull it out of you and you cried. You cried when you told me you didnt want me anymore forseing thows words out of your mouth becasue it was what i wanted to hear. So if thats not the case why did you leave?

Well Then

I havent been to the world of live journal in a while.. though I would post something. At this moment I am 2 and a half weeks pregnant... 2 more weeks and Im out of the danger zone. It blows being preggers... Im constantly sick and I cant keep anything down. Other than that im super excited. Im pretty sure its gonna be a boy but I wont know that for sure untill September the 11th. God 7 months just cant go any faster. If I have a boy I either want to name him Ashton or Braden maby Baily... if its a girl its either Sean or Payton... I know Sean is a boys name but I think its a cute name for a girl. School starts on the 10th and im excited because... only one more year to go. WOOT. 4 more credits. Well Im off its time for bed. Im tired and its super late. Good night all..

Im a force to be reconed with

     Well last night my mom fucken beat the shit out of me. It all started over fucken dishes.  I was doing them and she flipted out and started screaming at me and shit. My friend Mallory was over for a visit this week and I said to her get your stuff ready were gonna go home to my grandmas. Mom lost it and started to flip at me and she was like you better fucken pay me at the end of the month. I told her i wasnt gonna give her a fucken penny. She picked up my cell and my mp3 player and fucken chucked it at the wall. I went and got them put the battries back in the 2. The bitch told me that the phone was no use now that it would never work. I turned it on and she lost it. She told me to give her the fucken phone. I said that she could have it just at soon as I wrote down my numbers from the phone. Then the skank grabed my arm twisted it behind my back and was gonna fucken break it over a fucken phone. I told her to fucken let go of my arm 10 times after the magic number of 10 I punched her in the face. Then all I could feel was my fucken hair being ripped out of my head. I took my free hand and grabed her hair with all my might trying to push her down to the ground telling her to fucken let me go. She didnt. As she mounted me and slaped me around with her fists.... my wonderful hero came and tried to save me. ( I loveded you Mallory) Mallory tried to push my mom off of me and almost made her fall down the stairs ( shit i with the whore would have fell down the stairs) That gave me just enough leway to get off the floor and grab bitch faces hair and push her head down low enough to fucken knee her in the face. Well the way she was angled I  couldnt get her in the face with my knee so what did I do..... the next best thing kicked her in the fucken face 7 times. Ha ha ha stupid bitch serves her right... Gave the skank a bloody nose. Serves the cruddy bitch right. I then went upstairs and started throwing my shit in bags and low and behold fucken scuzzy hateful abuser came up bitching and said that i was nothing but a fucked up druggie like my mother. OH NO SHE FUCKEN DIDNT BRING UP MY BIO MOTHER. I was fucken livid at this moment. I said well at least im not like you and that she was a fucken better mother then you  would ever be. She like well were the fuck is she now..... Fucken 6 feet under... I fucken i had no shame at this moment.  I told here that she would never fucken change she abused me when i was a kid and you abuse me now. At this moment in my life i saw evil in the eyes of my mother and she fucken started beating me again. I fell to the ground and almost passed out. Thank god i didnt cuz if i did I wouldnt have been able to cover up to protect my head. If i had passed out i have no dought in my mind that the hurtful pycho would have killed me. Last night was so fucked up that i told her that i wanted nothing to do with her ever again. I mean it she is to have no part in my life. She disowned me not once but twice dumpted me off on my grandmother both times that I disowned her. She is nolonger my mother or my aunt. She doesnt like her father and calles him only by Mr. King so she is now know as Mrs.King.  Lets see her try to hurt me now.


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